Monday, August 29, 2005

Italic reasons

I always hesitate to gush when things are peachy for him and I, lest they turn out bad again later- then I would be made to eat my words.

Yet somehow I always do.

Maybe because when things go right, there's just an endless trail of endorphins and joy that I want to hold onto for as long as possible. And writing about it helps to freeze that frame in time.

Maybe because he manages to make me feel idealistic- like there will never be a bad moment from here on, and I believe that the one that just passed was the last one we will encounter.

Maybe because even though I have the sneaking suspicion that not all the clashing issues and elements have been resolved, the utopia that we're basking in manages to surpass all the hidden doubts and fears.

Maybe because being with him just confirms these facts: That #1 he had me at hello, and #2 he is The One (and how can you give up The One? Even the theoretical definition disallows the idea of giving up someone you can call The One, much less the operational definition)

Maybe, just maybe, it's all of the above.

When I refer to you, or want to tell you how important you are to me, I italize the things I say about you. And don't you see there are plenty of things framed in italics here?


Laid bare at 6:03 pm
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Friday, August 26, 2005

I was hysterical today. So scared, so vulnerable, so forlorn, so broken.

You will never see me like this again. Nobody ever will.

I am made of sterner stuff.


Laid bare at 11:41 pm
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A clot of crumpled cellulite

Since crawling out of bed at a gloriously early time of 11, I have consumed:

3 lemon puff biscuits
3 saltine crackers
4 chocolate cream biscuits
5 Thai floss rice crackers
6 coconut glazed biscuits
1 glass of soya bean milk

-And all after a late-night binge of ..whatevericantevenrecallwhatiate
And lordy, I'm waiting for lunch now

I am going to gym my guts out later.


Laid bare at 12:55 pm
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Inaudible

Sometimes it feels like I'm headed down a one-way street. Driven only by my own engine, its mechanical purring sending long echoes across the meandering faceless alleys.

The only sound in the emptiness, swaddled in the ferocity of a piercing noonday sun. I am hot, I am dying of thirst. And I am alone.

Just when I thought that two could walk that path together, the path narrows and plays for a little more time with my weary wheels.

Nothing in sight, not even in the snaking distance.

Nothing. Not even a mirage


Laid bare at 2:02 am
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

My little yellow gerbera

So a single yellow gerbera it was.

My first flower from Mr Oh I'm-so-practical Weiming, 10 months and 1 day after it first became real.

I think I know what went through his mind when he went to the florist on the sly while I was collecting my paycheck today.-
A bouquet: Too cliched. Roses: Too common. Lilies: Her favourite, but too expensive so let's save it for the one-year shindig. Chrysanthemums: *Gasp! Funeral flowers. Daisies: Too many needed to look non-el'cheapo. Tulips: Too drama. Bird-Of-Paradise: Eeeyerrr is that a flower?! Packaging: No time!

And yes, I know you're really trying.


It's a reflection of what you are: Simple, practical, and yet (at most times!) able to lift me up to do a tapdance over the moon.


Laid bare at 1:42 am
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Sunday, August 21, 2005

Naughty little Cupid did something right this time

This is for Koof and Hilda (who shall no longer have to be codenamed Bukit Timah :P) Congratulations are in order! For this, I shall loan you both this song- which has been set as 'our song' for him and I from the start. (Apt also, to remind Mr Oh Weiming that he has a lot of making up to do, to make me a happy camper too. After yesterday, I think I am just too kind hahaha)

But seriously, grats Koof! And may I add that I never believed that you could let it drag for up to 6 months or not get into it at all :)


I can't believe you're here with me
And now it seems my world's complete
And I never want this moment to end
I close my eyes and still I see
My dreams become reality
And now I know how it feels to be in love

I prayed so many nights that you would come my way
An angel from above to light my darkest day
I think it's time for you to hear these lines
'Cos there's something I want to say

I finally found what I've been looking for
And now you know I'm going to love you more
Hold me tight 'cos it's always been you (It's always been you)
To think that you were always there (always there)
To be my friend and wipe away my tears
Now it's clear that it's always been you

Sometimes you don't expect that friends
Can become lovers in the end
Only God knows what the future will bring
So hold me close and don't let go
'Cos this is love boy, don't you know?
And we're gonna be together for eternity

I prayed so many nights that you would come my way
An angel from above to light my darkest day
A love so strong it can't be wrong
It's with you that I belong

[Chorus]

(This time) this time
I'm gonna make sure it turns out right
I wanna be your everything and by your side
For the rest of my life
(This love) This love feels the way that love should be
Look in my eyes and realise there's no disguise
'Cos I'm in love with you


Laid bare at 10:30 pm
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Saturday, August 20, 2005

Again

Why couldn't you even SEE how you hurt me today?

Why couldn't you even make good on ONE promise you made to me? That this was going to be OUR day, nothing else.

Why couldn't you even UNDERSTAND why I shed those tears today? Not just because I was disappointed and hurt yet again, but also because I tried so hard to hold everything in for fear of destroying the beautiful make-up we had. And you dismissed all that with an EASY 'Celest, you can't accept me for who I am, I'm a constant disappointment to you. I am so useless, I am a disappointment. You don't deserve this, I am a disappointment. I can't bear to see you cry, I'm so disappointing..' Note the repetitions. Yes I get your point, it's an easy way to look like a selfless penitent and at the same time, not have to walk the talk.

Why couldn't you have stayed with me, knowing that you left me ALONE today despite your 9pm promise? Note also, that this 9pm promise was a concession I made after you failed your initial promise to make this day fully ours. You asked me if I could be more tolerant, and I did my best today. When you wanted to meet your friends, I went with you; When you made alternative plans and sheepishly asked me if you could insert some mahjong (you sure know where to hit me where it hurts) in between what was meant to be OUR day, I bit my trembling lip and said 'Hahaha okay baby, okay.' But you stretched that tolerance thin and it snapped, and poof! Now you're gone again. AGAIN.

You didn't come through for me; for us, once more.

And while I'm here alone now, you're out for supper with the very people you neglected me till what was THEORETICALLY supposed to be 9pm for. We all know the punctuality bit was never fulfilled.

Excuse me if anybody means to point out that perhaps I'm being a little too precise and cut-throat for his good and mine. Believe me, when you've been through what we've been through the past week and a half, a lot of things have to be proven, a lot of time has to be spent with one another mending the brokeness and talking everything through. And most of all, faith has to be affirmed. So everything, yes I mean everything, serves to make or break us.

And I thought you'd have cared about the magnitude of that.


Laid bare at 11:08 pm
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Friday, August 19, 2005

I know all there is to know about the crying game
I've had my share of the crying game

First there are kisses
Then there are sighs
And then before you know where you are
You're sayin' goodbye

One day soon I'm gonna tell the moon about the crying game
And if he knows maybe he'll explain
Why there are heartaches
Why there are tears
And what to do to stop feeling blue
W'en love disappears

I know all there is to know about the crying game
I've had my share of the crying game

First there are kisses
Then there are sighs
And then before you know where you are
You're sayin' goodbye

Don't want no more of the crying game
Don't want no more of the crying game
Don't want no more of the crying game
Don't want no more of the crying game

Please teach me how to say a tearless goodbye


Laid bare at 5:41 pm
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Thursday, August 18, 2005

I am doing this because of Lulu Ng Zhihui, whom I adore (fortunately, or unfortunately)

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY
1. Celest
2. Cel
3. Lala

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD
1. dReAmBliZ (those wretched IRC days, with the embarrassing upper and lower case alphabets. eeyerrr so ah-lian)
2. ce!est
3. -wildflower

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
1. There's always rice on the table
2. I always have to put coloured highlights into dark brown hair
3. I understand Cantonese serials! :) ngor oi nei wo!

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU
1. Not knowing how to love
2. Ailments: Especially becoming blind and getting cancer
3. Exams and presentations

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS
1. Mobile phone
2. Money
3. My thoughts

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW
1. Old Stussy tee/rag
2. FBT's
3. A yawn

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS OR MUSICAL ARTISTS
1. The Carpenters
2. The Beatles
3. Belinda Carlisle

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS (at this moment)
1. Finally Found
2. Make Love to You
3. You're Beautiful

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP
1. Trust
2. Effort
3. Commitment

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE
1. I have kissed a girl before
2. I received 99 roses from a guy I didn't like
3. I told a teacher she was incompetent

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE PREFERRED SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU
1. A lean physique
2. Nice floppy hair
3. He has to be taller than me!

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES
1. Shopping
2. Long-distance running
3. Thinking

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW
1. Visit Europe again
2. Lose weight
3. Shop online

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING/YOU'VE CONSIDERED
1. Shopping consultant (I am not kidding)
2. Dietician
3. Psychologist (just lie on my couch and let me earn your money)

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION
1. Spain
2. Hawaii
3. Shanghai

THREE KID'S NAMES YOU LIKE
1. Lianne
2. Sylvia
3. Shane

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE
1. To find THE ONE
2. To be an eternally effortless size 8 (oh joy!) or size 6 (oh stupendous joy!)
3. To answer my own questions

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A BOY
1. I am super violent in pillow fights. Don't mess
2. I watched Captain Planet, He-Man, Conan, Transformers and Power Rangers
3. I like to run up a sweat

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GIRL
1. I shop excessively
2. I grew up on Carebears, Smurfs and My Little Pony
3. I worry endlessly about my weight

THREE FEMALE CELEB CRUSHES
1. Diane Lane
2. Victoria Beckham
3. Sophie Okenedo

THREE MALE CELEB CRUSHES
1. Freddy Ljundberg
2. Can't think of anyone else, I look at girls more haha (no, not the L word please)
3. errr Freddy Ljundberg (yes this is a marriage proposal)

THREE PEOPLE THAT I WOULD LIKE TO SEE TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW
1. Bob
2. Toe
3. Syl


Laid bare at 10:57 pm
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Empty afternoons, whitewashed walls

Your agenda.
Your house.
Your excuses.
Your friends.
Your activities.
Your stoicness.

It's all about youyouyou. Where do I come in?

I embrace indifference now, complete numbness to you and the things you do. Or rather the things you fail to do.

What's the point in being a bundle of life and vitality for someone who only disappoints? Like the Bard said, you have become 'someone who gives me for my pain a world of sighs' (only that Shakespeare meant that Desdemona was always a sympathetic listener to her Othello; whilst for me it means the reverse- you literally only sigh)

So don't blame me if you notice I'm slowly slipping away.

And don't be surprised if you reach out for me one day, when you finally recall my existence, that I'm as flaccid as vapour that can filter through the pores of your hands.

Finally, don't be shocked if you find that one fine day, I'm gone.


Laid bare at 4:42 pm
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Departures and Arrivals

Departure: One
Subject: Ern, 19, Singapore
Destination: University of Virginia

Salsa farewell for Ern today. For me, it was a farewell for my friend of 10 whole years. Eight stalks of pink carnations for the lovely lady, one for each girl in the salsa exco :) The V Tea Room dishes up platters of orgasmic nosh, pretty as a picture. Delightful shivers with each ribbon of sugar rolling off the tips of our tongues, balanced with golden-brown laces of savoury parcels.

Zeus and his appetite for aphrodisiac morsels would agree: Winter pear cake. Tiramisu milkshake. Also, we had what they told us was Thebestcakeintheworld *I didn't agree, that's why I don't even remember its name*. Vanilla ice-cream with precious dotted scrapings straight from the pod. Flowered tea. Quiche. Smoked salmon omelette atop a spongey bread base.


Arrival: One
Subject: King Carl, basically unknown royalty, Germany/Switzerland, in exile
Destination: Singapore

Carl, clad in a blue checked shirt, a severe looking office jacket and his trademark long brown pants was met at Terminal One by a legion of loyal friends (fans?) He was spotted looking everywhere besides the baggage conveyer belt, and we thought he was attempting to locate some missing Thai lady he acousted while on transit at the land of smiles and she-men.

So Newton it was for dinner. My second time there in a matter of two days. We saw to it that Carl got to eat the normal food one would order to get an unsuspecting first-time visitor to gush in pure surprise or shock. But no, we were unsuccessful, because he ate everything without second questions after the initial 'What-is-this?' enquiry.

I salute him because he downed durian juice without wincing. And I, a proud resident of our sunny shores for the last two decades, have not managed to even smell the potent fruit without retching.

Now I only get a sugar rush from food. No longer from you.


Laid bare at 12:02 am
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Monday, August 15, 2005

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me
On a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love
Then I softly leave
And it's me you need to show
-How deep is your love?


Laid bare at 1:58 am
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Sunday, August 14, 2005

Does Expressions need a product endorsor?

Oh the woes of being a hippopotamus- I am so unfit now.

I used to be able to run at speed 10.5 on the treadmill for a full hour in my prime. Now, after half an hour on speed 9 I'm poofed. So I've decided to change my workout plans! Something less strenuous to complement the shorter stint of running.- I will swim! Which I'm actually quite sad about, because I like the feeling of pure running sessions. Long runs, and the temporary uphoria, sweat glow, and endorphins induced after a good leg-pounding session.

I tried it today. Half an hour on the treadmill, light stretches. 1km in the pool, alternating between freestyle and breaststroke. And it felt good! :)

Dinner at Newton. Discipline, for once. I SCORNED omelette from the O'Luak, chicken and mutton satay, chicken wings glistening in half-cooked glory (yuck!), hokkien mee, popiah, sugar-chugged soursop ice desserts and sugar cane! Half an apple and a cup of orange pineapple juice was dinner for me (come on, I did feel so guilty about the cheese toast, milk bread and potato salad breakfast earlier in the day :P) Everyone looked at me like I was an alien. I just don't like to waste a good workout and the rare diet-determination I have.

And whose fault is it that I have ballooned to become who I am now?
Who did I become a monstrous mass of gunk for?
It's all your fault muffin.


Laid bare at 12:33 am
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

My favourite diver

congz - 01 says:
hail my friend

Celest* Anyone seen a missing muffin? says:
haha hello

congz - 01 says:
thy presence doth lifts my heart

Awww! I miss Cong. He always doesn't have time for me, too busy being macho and working at getting his V-shaped diver's body. And there I was in front of the telly yesterday, straining my eyes to spot my favourite diver in the NDP marchpass :(


Laid bare at 3:21 pm
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Tuesday, August 09, 2005

It should be me, it should be you

So the past four days have been completely draining. I don't think I managed to wake up without puffy eyes on any one day.

You could say I was an old blind woman, targetted by heartless thieves who stole my walking stick and guidedog. That's how lost and crushed I was.

The silver lining- Drea for constantly being there for me. Syl for her rationality even though she was away. Bob for his shoulder to cry on. My sister for the beauty of her sms's. Zhong for bringing some laughter.

The Crying Game. Moment after recurring moment, this little blue ditty found its way into my head:
First there are kisses
Then there are sighs
And then before you know where you are
You're sayin' goodbye

Words like Memories, Past, Cherish, Treasure, Almost and Uncertain sent a cold chill down my spine. Foreboding was imminent in phrases like I will never forget you, I always thought we could make it.. Cryptic words from both our mouths. As for those that came from me, they simply got spitted out like the unwitting spray of an aged fountain cherub.

It wasn't easy, it really wasn't. But we've come back, back to where we belong. With a 17-year-old's wisdom, my sister's sms was a wakeup call: yeah but love is selfish and love is blind. it's not just a phrase it's reality too..n u two went through so much together. is it worth just throwing it all away? if u two really love each other... there's nothing you cant resolve.

I think I know where we're headed, and what exactly has to change. For the both of us. We want this to work, don't we baby?

As I look into your eyes I see the sunrise
The light behind your face helps me realise

Will we sleep and sometimes love until the moon shines
Maybe the next time I'll be yours and maybe you'll be mine

I don't know if it's even in your mind at all
It could be me
At this moment in time
Is it in your mind at all
It should be me, it could be me
Forever


Laid bare at 11:49 pm
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Friday, August 05, 2005

***f, you got me thinking

A priceless quote (or rather, quip) from a not-so-wise friend: "You like him. He likes you. Just get together la."

That was about a year ago. And yes, we did get together in the end, but the equation was never that simple.

My story is being replayed all over again, this time, to another two helpless people Cupid's bow happened to smack (Yes, not hit by Cupid's arrow. Just haphazardly smacked by the damn plastic bow) And I just got to thinking, well, maybe if WZ's quip is decreed the official way people decide to throw away their single-status, then maybe the world would be a better place. Sans the headaches, potential anxiety and guilt, and the grey regions.

But see, if it really were that way, people would just remain bow-smitten, never arrow-worthy. Excuse the overuse of Cupidian analogy.

There are always things to consider, factors to mull over, issues to address, dusty closet skeletons to drag out, surprises (pleasant and unpleasant) to contend with. The most basic would naturally be the past of the person in question, naturally.
Was he a bastard/adonis to Sophia? Was she the one who had 42 boyfriends by the time she got to JC? Was he the one who left Pauline for Paul? Was she the one who chain-smoked with Ryan? Is he the one who made all the girls cry? Is she the one with the psycho stalker ex-boyfriend?
The past inevitably acts like the frayed end of an old Bata shoelace, ever present and ocassionally annoyingly obstructive.

And then there's the whole limbo period to get through (ooh-wee, aren't we so familiar with this term?)
I like him? He lusts over me? I could love him? He's falling deeper and deeper into this?
Add to that the guilt of progressing faster than the course nature intended for to take place. Of which the only unquestionable fact is that there is some form of mutual attraction- physical or emotional.

Out of this, there are many doubts that will surface, and many decisions that will have to be made.
To keep the public front and courtship seperate? To take things slow or strike while the iron is hot? To do what your mom recommends or take the Dharma and Greg route? Is she serious, or is he playing?
Sometimes these doubts are completely disconcerting. One moment you're on a high, so sure you'll be flying together in a week's time. And the next minute you're thinking of getting permanent residence in Alaska just to get away from all this shit. Been there, done that.

But as crazy as all these pre-relationship bumps can get, I think the journey would never be the same without them. They are necessary, not in a cushy bed-of-roses way, but in an essential-you-must-go-through-this way. It's like going on a vacation to Europe for the first time, which Meng and I did do over the summer holidays. There were hostels to book, rail trips to plan, tickets to buy, and monstrous packing to do for the period between chilly springtime and clammy summer. We squabbled over room rates, spent afternoons on the internet checking up places to go to and things to do, sat on our bursting suitcases while convincing our parents we didn't have to bring the kitchen sink with us (or maybe that was just me). But all in all, that made the entire trip possible. Our first time abroad as a couple, and for a wonderful 2 months we were able to enjoy a paradise we had never known before. More than worth the while.

Of course, sometimes it doesn't work out. Would it have been futile? Would it all have come to naught and nothing else? Well, in a way, yes because the end result isn't a happily-ever-after-together episode.
But, no, because the result isn't all there is to it. I've always maintained that when people do things together, when they have been on the same boat (even if it was just for that little while), they get to know one another in a way they would never have been able to before on a strictly platonic level. And there's always something to learn from all the potholes we step in, and all the mudpools we splash in right? What doesn't kill you should only make you stronger- if you're a guy, you get a little closer to Venus. If you're a girl, you see a little bit more of Mars.

That's the concept of crazy/beautiful, isn't it? Sometimes that little plunge you take could take you on a ride when you least expect it to. Nothing's ever stupid, nobody's ever dumb to let alcohol bring out unknown bravery, no one's ever looney for being a chronic fence-sitter. There's no such thing as doubting too much or being too confused. We're all being taken for a ride. Just that we don't know who's controlling the knobs, and who's running the circus show.

You're never too silly, silly. :)


Laid bare at 5:25 pm
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Thursday, August 04, 2005

Mambo Night, #489

Mambo last night again. I think I'm going too often, it's losing its appeal.

We did the lesbo thing again! Haha the only person I can dance this way with is Candice. Phuture's music was good, since Candice is an RnB person and I am the accomodating best friend :) Tried dancing at Zouk too, but she just didn't find the music right to shimmy to.

Mambo music's just right for only you and I.

She-men alert at Phuture! How is it that some REAL men can dirty dance with them, knowing full well they have southern landmarks like the ones they possess themselves? That is beyond me. Saw Kennedy for the n-th time at Mambo again! That guy always seems to lose weight each time I meet him. Arghhh why doesn't he teach me how he does it?

And for the first time, a reversal of roles- the neglected and the neglector (does such a word actually exist?). I am sorry and you know how I feel about you, and why I was so worried towards the end. If I didn't care, the constant stream of unanswered calls and sms's wouldn't have reached you.

A sleepover with no all-night gabfest! *gasp!* But with pre-club comfort food, I'm not complaining too much. I like my lana cake and belgian chocolates Greek-goddess style- curled up in front of the telly :)

Disjointed chronology. Messed up mind in the lulls of sleep deprivation. Some days, days like yesterday and today, everything's tainted by double-vision. The one thing that's constant, so unshakeable it could be framed in sepia, is this one fact- Iloveyou.


Laid bare at 8:14 pm
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Monday, August 01, 2005

Frozen

One of my moods. Again.

Sometimes I feel like the world has passed me by, and I've been asleep the whole time.

Things happen to people I care about. Or am supposed to care about. Of which I know nothing of. I'm not sure if it's because they don't talk to me anymore, or if it's a problem rooted in greater depth.

Something in me makes me impenetrable? Something like a thick glazed fortress built up around myself, that makes people not want to try to get through to me?

Or maybe it's because people change when they grow up, you and I- a reference to the many you's and the lone I here. So much, that we simply don't speak anymore. And simply can't find it within ourselves to trust one another.

When we were young we released our angst by chasing each other, screaming. Now that we are older, not necessarily wiser, we keep mum and type away at the blank computer screen.

Each a shadow in the other's life.


Laid bare at 10:00 am
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