Saturday, August 20, 2005

Again

Why couldn't you even SEE how you hurt me today?

Why couldn't you even make good on ONE promise you made to me? That this was going to be OUR day, nothing else.

Why couldn't you even UNDERSTAND why I shed those tears today? Not just because I was disappointed and hurt yet again, but also because I tried so hard to hold everything in for fear of destroying the beautiful make-up we had. And you dismissed all that with an EASY 'Celest, you can't accept me for who I am, I'm a constant disappointment to you. I am so useless, I am a disappointment. You don't deserve this, I am a disappointment. I can't bear to see you cry, I'm so disappointing..' Note the repetitions. Yes I get your point, it's an easy way to look like a selfless penitent and at the same time, not have to walk the talk.

Why couldn't you have stayed with me, knowing that you left me ALONE today despite your 9pm promise? Note also, that this 9pm promise was a concession I made after you failed your initial promise to make this day fully ours. You asked me if I could be more tolerant, and I did my best today. When you wanted to meet your friends, I went with you; When you made alternative plans and sheepishly asked me if you could insert some mahjong (you sure know where to hit me where it hurts) in between what was meant to be OUR day, I bit my trembling lip and said 'Hahaha okay baby, okay.' But you stretched that tolerance thin and it snapped, and poof! Now you're gone again. AGAIN.

You didn't come through for me; for us, once more.

And while I'm here alone now, you're out for supper with the very people you neglected me till what was THEORETICALLY supposed to be 9pm for. We all know the punctuality bit was never fulfilled.

Excuse me if anybody means to point out that perhaps I'm being a little too precise and cut-throat for his good and mine. Believe me, when you've been through what we've been through the past week and a half, a lot of things have to be proven, a lot of time has to be spent with one another mending the brokeness and talking everything through. And most of all, faith has to be affirmed. So everything, yes I mean everything, serves to make or break us.

And I thought you'd have cared about the magnitude of that.


Laid bare at 11:08 pm
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