Talk to the wind

Monday, January 30, 2006

Because we took a dizzying car ride,
headed for the covers when the drizzle began to run,
and found ourselves rained in with nowhere else to go.

Because we tossed a pineapple tart,
and saw it land right back in our palms,
and laughed at the crumbs that pelted our faces.

Because we faded with the night lights,
and raced all the way on the upslope,
and discovered we had more laugh lines than before.

Laid bare at 11:56 pm
|

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Jade in the home

Gong hei fatt choy everybody!

A day of firsts for me- The first time in my whole life I've had friends over on the first day of Chinese New Year. For us, the first day has always been strictly for visiting relatives, most of whom I regretfully only have a decent conversation and a good laugh with just once a year.

My beauty queen Chiayin and my ever-faithful neighbour Zhimin popped by today. I hope Zhimin was happy with the nice angbao my mom gave him, because I made him run with me yesterday after our respective reunion dinners. I threatened to throw a hissy fit if he didn't because he's been neglecting me :(

-
I realized today that if you want to look for all the love in the world you should look into the eyes of your grandparents. Yesterday night at the reunion dinner with my paternal extended family, I saw the spark in my yeye's eyes when he recounted story after story to me. Stories about the war, about his difficult childhood, about working for the British government, about my dad and his siblings while they were growing up, and about my late great-granny. The spark in his eyes spoke of a beautiful pride, that he was passing on his life lessons to me, because he loves me and he wants a part of him to always stay with me.

Mama tells me the bed I slept on as a child is always kept for me to come back to, whenever I feel tired and need a rest badly. She cooks for me, asks me if she can make herbal drinks and soups when she notices I've lost weight or look paler than usual. And most of all, she sits with me at the marble dining table and talks the afternoon away with me. She's always been the first one to know about every single one of my boyfriends because I tell her everything.

Popo is impossible to not love. Today an Indian couple we all have never met greeted her while she was walking to my house with a "Popo! Happy New Year!", to which she flashed a toothy dentured grin and hollered "Gong Hei Fatt Choy!". She doesn't speak anything besides Cantonese. And it doesn't stop anyone from loving her and from feeling her love. She's had such a tough life filled with so much tribulation and hardship, but I think that's what made her the way she is today. She's fatalistic about a lot of things, but she's so proud of each and every single one of her grandchildren, just about as proud as we are of her. I draw inspiration from her simple faith, her simple attitude to life, the simple things she takes pleasure in, and the simple love she has for me and all her other grandchildren. I hope that more than makes up for the pain she went through before.

I'm glad Chiayin got to experience that love when she came over today and met popo. If there's one thing I have that I'm proud of, it's the love of my grandparents, and I'm more than happy to share that with people I in turn love.

The most precious smile in the world:

Laid bare at 11:44 pm
|

Thursday, January 26, 2006

What a difference a day makes

A picture from when we were freshly out of JC:

Toe only wore black or white then. Pao's face was chubbier, and her eyebrows were unsculpted. My fringe was the same length as my hair, and my face was chubbier too, though I was skinnier then.

And we all had bushy brows and we thought style meant wearing dangling earrings and having blonde-streaked hair! Ooh-er!

- And now..

Looks like since we threw away our whites and greens and bade Raffles goodbye we have had quite some epiphanies thrown our way (I will definitely call it that!):

-Toe has learnt to wear, gasp! colours and skirts!
-She has discovered red hair might just be her thing
-She has literally since, let her hair down

-Pao's face is so much more sculpted now (you pretty pretty thing, you)
-She has discovered makeup. Look at her eyes now!
-Her hair is so much more sleek

-I have a wispy fringe now!
-My face is more scultped too. Thank the good Lord ;)

.. I mean, I don't think the changes are that great or Dawn-Yang-esque, but I think we definitely look different. And it's just been a little more than 2 years since we left RJ.

And no, I don't mean to say we aged, okayy??

Laid bare at 4:50 pm
|

Monday, January 23, 2006

Didn't I say the sun should never set on this?

Two parties on Friday- well, one actually; if you don't count SMU's Grand Opening a party.

Brownz turns 21! The second of the AO1E lot to reach voting age, after Mr Kennedy Chen.

I remember days before we turned 18 and all went crazy mugging for the A's- Brownz going crazy over S.H.E., Liqin and her talking non-stop about the endless TV shows they managed to catch, Pegs and I making plans to shop, Mel and her shut-eye smiles (which she still does pretty well), Rachael and her terribly slow eating speed, and the Friday class lunches at Jonhson Duck.

And who can forget our CT Mr Kwok and his san-ba comments. Oh wait, he called us san-ba's. ;D

Brownz and her orange-and-white party:

-
And the biggest bang of the year in the SMU calendar: The Grand Opening of the city campus, which I mistook to have taken place when we shifted there in July last year. Seems like people don't consider the campus site opened with sufficient grandeur when we start taking lessons there, and there is a need for an awfully big party to pop the champagne again and say Hey! We're here!

But I'm not complaining; free beer, free dinner, awesome bands, and Margaret Chan boogying with Zhihon and Tammin.. What's not to love?

-

And as always, I've saved my favourite part for last. No tantalizing threesome romps to tell of this time, but a rip-roaring twosome more than makes up for it. Missed you this time Toe!

Pao and I.. From canteen trips in RJ, to walks up and down Holland V, to feeding our fat asses to the brink of bursting our green pleat skirts, to endless shopping sprees, and tearful sharing I will never forget;- you know, I don't even remember how we first got to know one another. But it doesn't matter, because we've come so far without even being in the same country for more than 3 days in a stretch ever since we left RJ.

All I can say is, I'm so happy that you're finally happy now. Everytime I see you, I see determination and grace personified.

Even though I don't know what the hell you're talking about when you talk so excitedly about your game theory essays, I know I love you enough to be proud of everything you've come so far to achieve.

I love you Kuantan princess, and you know it.

Laid bare at 12:10 am
|

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Pirouettes into schoolbooks, pliés into temporary insanity

School has been consuming me the past 2 weeks. Week 3 of school has never been this demanding. Year 2 really IS one giant leap away from Year 1, definitely no urban legend there.

Endless readings that are killing my eyesight and preventing me from getting a decent amount of sleep. Behold the eyebags, I am becoming uglier. Hurr hurr.
Gourmet Club reviews and articles.
Meetings, projects, datelines, and CAT assignments. CAT deserves an individual mention, because this module is potentially going to kill me with flying Excel formulae and daggers dripping in Financial theory.

And I'm not thinking straight. I'm so stretched that I double-booked myself on Friday evening, and double-booked on Saturday afternoon, and triple-booked myself on Saturday evening. Dear friends/acquaintances, if I call to cancel appointments or meetings, don't kill me. I admit my stupidity; and it is all down to that.

Meanwhile, the only consolation has been good food. Yumyum, bring it on! Oh, and good company as well, naturally. ;)

Big photodump coming up!

My boyfriend on the right, and the one they thought was my boyfriend on the left ;D

Laid bare at 5:17 pm
|

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Five more minutes to a wet long day

So I had Biz Law class this morning at 9.

Dragged my soggy excuse of a butt out of bed, and in the process I-

tripped over my sister's upright-standing hockey stick twice,
pulled my capris up the wrong way around,
stuffed my jammies into my bag (jammies and a laptop, I wonder what they have in common?),
and said 'Bye dad' to my mom.

Was it me who as a seven-year-old tyke took immense pleasure in yelling "Rise and shine everybody, let's go for breakfast!!!!!!!!!!!" ?

Laid bare at 3:08 pm
|

Friday, January 13, 2006

Skanky black mother of pearl

MoS.

I think I don't enjoy clubbing anymore. I still like the dancing, very much so. But I no longer find any thrill in standing around drinking in a circle, looking at other people get pissed drunk, or partying with loud whoops in response to lots of "PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR/LIKE YOU JUST DON'T CARE!" music mixes. Nor do I enjoy threatening the well-being of my feet, doing the jiggy in heels will kill them someday.

It's just the general air and atmosphere of going to a club that I'm starting to find strange; and strange in a negative way.

Sure, troubling thoughts and frustration get thrown away in wild abandon amid the crazy shimmying and eardrum-bursting beats. But momentary, is it not?

Today at MoS, I found out a couple of things:
-If you want to see the craziest and most uninhibited sides of people, go clubbing.
-If you want to find out if she broke up with him or go "Whoa! Isn't that him with a new girl?!", go clubbing.
-If you want to see strangers french-kissing, go clubbing.
-If you want to immerse yourself in the feeling of getting swamped by tons of strange guys, go clubbing.
-If you want to see how your ex is getting on, go clubbing.
-If you want to see how unfeeling people can be, go clubbing.
-If you want to see what alcohol does to even the shyest of people, go clubbing.
-If you want to see underaged UWC girls flashing their fake ID's and mopping up the dance floor with an entourage of men who just picked them up shortly before, go clubbing.

Sometimes people think that in a smoke-filled tavern throbbing with loud music and jostling crowds, it's possible to lose themselves. To throw away inhibition and put-their-hands-in-the-air-like-they-just-don't-care. I'm not sure about you, but I do seem to notice people more in a club than I do in normal circumstances. And when I see them in the process of losing themselves, I get quite disturbed. Because I did it one time before at Chinablack, and it's an experience I never want to revisit. It was frightening; to see a ghost of myself gorging on the misguided knowledge that I was able to lose my identity there.

Maybe I'm just tired today. And I don't like shots very much anymore, not at 11 buckaroos a pop.

That said, I did have a reasonably good night. It wasn't one of my worst clubbing experiences, not even close. But like I said, I think I'm just tired. Nevertheless, thank you- to the people who made my night better.

Onz, Xueling, Corina, Neighbour, Lirong (even though it would have been nicer if we had spent more time together!), Junming, Xunming. And also the very drunk Anna who kept telling me she loved me each time we met.

To Onz and Anna;-
Keep your heart where it should belong.
Far from the person who had it for a little while,
but had not the ability to keep it.

Laid bare at 4:01 am
|

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

You can follow the wrong co-ordinates for a little while, but don't veer off too far.

The first week of school passed by in an odd way of sorts. It just felt unreal I guess, that the holidays were well and truly over, and very short-lived too for that matter.

I think the December holidays that just passed were by far the worst I had ever experienced. For starters, they went out in a big bang (can you call it a bang? I guess you can- a big shitty shitty bang bang) with theboy and I going on a time-out. Something we never did before, beyond the usual one or two days of cold-warring. And that was all after 4 final exams that could grace the walls of the House of Horror, in my book.

Many fights, more tears, anger, frustration;- even after we decided to get back together a week before the 2-week time-out was officially over. But I guess Christmas sorted things out, in the way we all know Christmas can do. The season just seems to make all things right, and people remember the reason they chose each other right at the beginning.

Sometimes we do need reminders; we all forget along the way.

Jun asks me how I am, and how I feel constantly. I tell her I am healing, I am learning to find the love I seem to have misplaced and lost somewhere obscure.

A lot of things cloud (clouded?) my vision, and a while ago as he and I went on ignoring it, it seemed like it would snowball and someday explode and lacerate our faces. So I got indifferent, and when he touched me, I seemed to go cold. I didn't even know how to respond to a warm hug. Talk about being lifeless.

But I am healing.

I came to the conclusion that I did want to see us back where we started, where it was so special and we felt so connected to one another, before so many things came to throw us off kilter. Because even when I was so limp and cold towards him, and feeling so apathetic towards the relationship, even when I questioned if I still loved him the same way; I still desperately wanted him to find me.

That's how I knew: that I wanted to, and I needed to heal.

-

I think my heart is on its way back to where it belongs.
Take care of it now, don't let the light burn out again. Ever again.

Laid bare at 7:45 pm
|

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Scary little girls

I've always known that my dog attracts a lot of attention from the people living in my apartment. Especially females and little girls who have the tendency to squeal with a most annoyingly high-pitched "Sooooooo cuttttteeeeeeee!!!!"

What I did not know, is that this same dog has a stalker.

I kid not. This little Caucasian girl of five, who looks so cherubic and innocent when she smiles- SHE IS A STALKER. Disclaimer: I am not a child-hating Curella De'Vil-esque miserable old shrimp, I like kids very much indeed. But this girl, she is Creepy. With a capital C.

It started off pretty innocently when I took Jingle out for her afternoon poop-walk. This girl (let's call her Dot) trailed me on her 3-wheeled bicycle with pink and purple ribbons attached to the handles. She is cute as a button with curly strawberry blonde hair and big brown eyes, wearing a flouncy day-glo orange skirt and midriff top. What's not to like, right?

She asked if she could pat Jingle, and I let her do so. She jabbered on for a bit, talking about everything under the sun. Then she asked if she could come into my house. And immediately, I was like Huhhhhh?? I mean, what if I was some horny toad with a matching porn collection and weird fetishes to boot, who just happened to have a small little chihuahua becuase my long-suffering wife insisted on it? This girl was alone, she volunteered to come home with a stranger, and nobody would have known it even if something bad had happened to the little tyke.

So I asked if her mom or dad knew where she was going, and she said it didn't matter if they did. And I insisted on her telling them first. Then she immediately changed her statement and said they already knew she was coming to see Jingle inside my house. (It's not too hard to see through a five-year-old's tall tales)

I declined but Dot followed me all the way to my doorstep. So what was I to do? I HAD to let her in since she had parked her little bike on my doorstep already. When she came in, she talked to my mom and played with Jingle for a while. She went around my living room, touching all the furniture and framed pictures and asking questions a mile a minute. And here comes the spooky part.

My mom: So Dot, how come you're playing alone? Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Dot: No, I only had a 15 year old sister. But she died.

M: She died?

D: Yeah she died. She was about this big (points at ME).

M: Oh no, what happened?

D: She broke some bones and then she died. So we had to throw her out. (At this point, my mom's eyes were shooting pretty uncomfortable glances at me)

M: Throw her out???

D: Yeah, we cannot keep her. She is all broken, so of course we throw her away. (She said this quite impatiently, like my mom was silly for sounding surprised)

-
Errrr, okay.

And she refused to leave. Simply refused, she wanted to stay the entire afternoon! And when my mom said she had to go back to tell her mom where she was, she left and then came back ringing my doorbell repeatedly. My mom didn't want to let her in because she didn't want to be responsible for a little girl who probably does not tell her parents about where she chooses to go at all.

Dot did that for the rest of the afternoon. Hour after hour, the whole damned afternoon. And she staked out my mom at the balcony when she was hanging the laundry, asking her why nobody answered the door and asking if she could come into my house to see my dog. My mom told me Dot has been doing this for months on end already.

And she said she'd be back to play with Jingle TOMORROW. And tomorrow's tomorrow. And tomorrow's tomorrow's tomorrow!

Oh blimey!

Laid bare at 6:10 pm
|

Monday, January 02, 2006

NEWSFLASH OF THE YEAR

Nice long talk with Lirong today, while our respective other halves were being knights of Sia's square table. (theboy coined this phrase for mahjong, he thinks it's oh-so-cool so I shall humour him a little! Haha) Our voices dipped from our normal volumes to hushed tones and finally to whispers. So you know what that means- GIRLTALK! I like.

I realized I'm not that anti-mj anymore.

Yes hurray hurray, throw confetti in the air.

I guess it's like a mother who keeps nagging at her 13 year old son to clean up his pigsty of a room, before she eventually realizes it's straining their relationship and that most of all, she should love him and not the state of his room. Just as long as it doesn't get too out of hand!

Or maybe it's because Lirong has been really good company the past 2 mj sessions they had. ;D

And I know what banban, hong zhong, and qing fa are now. And that the rooster tile represents one-bamboo. Hahaha, yes shock and horror- I actually looked at them ivory tiles and let theboy explain what they were.

What does love do to you?

Laid bare at 1:55 am
|