Tuesday, January 10, 2006
You can follow the wrong co-ordinates for a little while, but don't veer off too far.
The first week of school passed by in an odd way of sorts. It just felt unreal I guess, that the holidays were well and truly over, and very short-lived too for that matter.
I think the December holidays that just passed were by far the worst I had ever experienced. For starters, they went out in a big
bang (can you call it a bang? I guess you can- a big shitty shitty bang bang) with theboy and I going on a time-out. Something we never did before, beyond the usual one or two days of cold-warring. And that was all after 4 final exams that could grace the walls of the House of Horror, in my book.
Many fights, more tears, anger, frustration;- even after we decided to get back together a week before the 2-week time-out was officially over. But I guess Christmas sorted things out, in the way we all know Christmas can do. The season just seems to make all things right, and people remember the reason they chose each other right at the beginning.
Sometimes we do need reminders; we all forget along the way.Jun asks me how I am, and how I feel constantly. I tell her I am healing, I am learning to find the love I seem to have misplaced and lost somewhere obscure.
A lot of things cloud (clouded?) my vision, and a while ago as he and I went on ignoring it, it seemed like it would snowball and someday explode and lacerate our faces. So I got indifferent, and when he touched me, I seemed to go cold. I didn't even know how to respond to a warm hug. Talk about being lifeless.
But I am healing.I came to the conclusion that I did want to see us back where we started, where it was so special and we felt so connected to one another, before so many things came to throw us off kilter. Because even when I was so limp and cold towards him, and feeling so apathetic towards the relationship, even when I questioned if I still loved him the same way;
I still desperately wanted him to find me. That's how I knew: that I wanted to, and I needed to
heal.
-
I think my heart is on its way back to where it belongs.
Take care of it now, don't let the light burn out again. Ever again.
Laid bare
at 7:45 pm
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